


Departure

by wheelsupinthirty



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s22e04 Sightless in a Savage Land, Feels, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Angst, M/M, Missing Scene, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:15:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28640601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheelsupinthirty/pseuds/wheelsupinthirty
Summary: "How would you know?" Sonny said coldly without looking up from his glass."Excuse me?""How would you know, Barba?""Carisi-""You leave without even saying goodbye to any of us except for Olivia, not a single phone call, not a single message, not a single holiday card, more than two years later you're here, showing up at my office's doorstep, not to say hi, to say you're going up against me on court."
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 97





	Departure

**Author's Note:**

> i watched the episode like 10 minutes ago and already missing Barba like crazy so decided to write this to get closure for our boys and cure my heartache hope y’all enjoy it!

Sonny was tired. No, that would be underestimating it, he was exhausted. He knew as an attorney he should be used to feeling tired and reconsidering his life choices every day, but today, he was a different kind of tired. It wasn't just physically, it was mentally, it was in every fibre of his body. 

He went up against Barba. He never thought the day would come. It felt weird to be on the opposing side, he had been feeling that a lot this year, being on the opposing side, with Liv and others making damn sure he was no longer one of them, he knew they didn't intend to make him feel excluded, but it felt even worse when they tried to give him the 'you were part of the squad, you're still family' speech out of pity.

Amanda in particular had been trying her best to make him feel better about everything, he didn't know why she was being so nice to him all of a sudden, their friendship consisted around her teasing him, with one or two compliments here and there. Ever since he left SVU, Amanda had been way too nice, his sister Bella had a theory which is that she might be into him, but Sonny just shrugged her off, they just didn't have chemistry and Sonny continued to believe that she didn't like him like that.

Back on Barba, it was tough, but he won, he didn't know why it didn’t feel like a win though. Sonny knew Barba took the case because he felt connected to it in a way Sonny couldn't understand, but it didn't matter now, Barba was long gone, it was past midnight, he left to Florida hours ago. 

"Hey, Dominick."

He raised his head and looked up to see Amanda standing on the doorway of his office, still dressed in the clothes she wore to the bar, looking at him with a small smile on her lips.

"Hey, what's up?" 

"Nothing much, just wanted to check on you, figured you must still be here." She said as she walked into the office.

"How thoughtful of you." He said with a gentle smile while leaning back in his chair.

"I know I asked this before but how are you doing, really?" She said a concerned look settling in her gaze, Sonny shrugged.

"It was weird to be against Barba, but at least I'm glad the jury saw the truth and Davis got a fair punishment." 

"Yeah, me too. Also, it was like a breath of fresh air to have Barba back, such a shame he had to leave so soon." 

"Yeah." Sonny said but it sounded sadder outloud and Amanda raised an eyebrow.

"You've missed him, haven't you?" She asked the teasing smile he hadn't seen in so long settling back on her lips, and Sonny rolled his eyes but he knew there was no use of lying to Amanda.

"I mean, yeah, I guess. For a second, in that court room, it felt like I was Detective Carisi again, still going to Fordham Law, watching Barba to note his strategies, it was nice, life was simpler back then." He finished with a sigh and Amanda took a seat on the edge of the desk, giving him a sympathetic look and squeezing his shoulder.

"This was what you wanted, right? You're a lawyer now and you're darn good at it, Dominick. And that Detective who stayed up late all those nights studying for the bar, going to night school, is proud of you, so am I, all of us, you know, Olivia, Fin." She said and Sonny smiled at her, she always had a way of getting him out of his head and back into reality, before he could thank her, there was another knock on his office door, they both turned around to see Barba, looking at them like a lost puppy.

"Couns-" Sonny started out of habit. "-Barba, what are you doing here?" He asked as he watched the man walk into the room.

"Jeez, nice to see you too Carisi." He said sarcastically and nodded at Amanda. "Detective." 

"Shouldn't you be on a flight to Florida right now?" Amanda asked and Rafael shook his head.

"Turns out my mother's situation is not urgent so I decided to stay for couple of days, catch up with old friends, we're going on a lunch with Liv tomorrow actually, you two can tag along?"

"Ah, I'd love to but the sitter can't watch Jesse and Billie on Saturdays so I have to stay home, maybe Sonny can though?" She said and Sonny shrugged.

"I'll have to check my schedule but sure." He said and Barba nodded.

"Speaking of Billie and Jesse, I better get home soon, I'll talk to you later Sonny? Barba, don't be a stranger." She said while walking towards the door, she gave Rafael a pat on the shoulder which he replied to with a nod and a small smile before she walked out.

"So, Det- - Carisi." Barba said, turns out Sonny wasn't the only one struggling to let go of old habits. "What are you still doing here, isn't it past midnight on a friday night?"

"I'm trying to get last minute work done, you know."

"Since when do they call last minute work 'Tetris'?" Barba said taking look at Sonny's computer and Sonny closed the tab with a sheepish smile.

"Fine you caught me." He said clearing his throat. "I just- - when I was a cop, I was always ready for the call of duty, I'd stay at the pricient until like three in the morning, I guess I'm still finding it hard to adjust to lawyer lifestyle."

"You know, it's not that different when you're a lawyer, instead of going home at three a.m you go home at two a.m." 

"I see you still got the sarcasm and the jokes, Barba." Sonny said and Barba shrugged. "But seriously, what brings you here?"

"Well I felt like we didn't really have the time to actually catch up and Liv told me you work late and I decided to stop by, to talk." 

"I was actually on my way out, you could come over to my place if you want?" Sonny asked casually, he didn't see why not, he's been to Barba's old place couple of times when he was shadowing him on some cases years ago.

"Your place? At least me take me out on a date first, you know manners and all." Barba said sarcastically and Sonny rolled his eyes. 

"Come on, Rafael." He said while grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair and turning the computer off.

• • •

"Fin proposed?" Sonny asked not believing his ears as he took a sip from the expensive old wine they opened up earlier. 

"Not yet, Liv said he was going to but he was interrupted by the alert."

"Oh." Sonny said putting his glass down. "It feels weird to be the side getting the news, whenever there was drama at the pricient I'd be the one telling you." He finished with a small sigh.

"I didn't know you were so eager to know about Sergeant Tutuola's love life." Rafael said teasingly and Sonny snorted.

"No, it's not that." He started, unsure if he should go on, but he took a look at Rafael to see him looking at him expectantly. "When you were the ADA, did you ever feel left out?"

"I mean sometimes, but I was never really part of the squad so I didn't mind it much." Rafael said taking a sip of his own glass of wine. "Is there something bothering you, Carisi?"

"It's stupid- - It's just- I kinda feel like the odd one out at times, and when Liv and Amanda try to make me feel better about it, it just makes me feel worse." He said not sure why he was being so open with Barba, he blamed the alcohol. "I feel like it was a mistake."

"Leaving SVU?" 

"No, becoming a lawyer, am I even qualified enough to be one?"

"You know you passed LSAT right?" Barba asked sarcastically and Sonny chuckled dryly.

"Yeah, thanks for the reminder, Counse-" Sonny stopped, not even bothering to correct himself, Barba didn't seem to notice, or mind even if he did.

"It wasn't a mistake, Carisi. You're a good attorney."

"How would you know?" Sonny said coldly without looking up from his glass.

"Excuse me?"

"How would you know, Barba?"

"Carisi-"

"You leave without even saying goodbye to any of us except for Olivia, not a single phone call, not a single message, not a single holiday card, more than two years later you're here, showing up at my office's doorstep, not to say hi, to say you're going to up against me on court." 

"Sonny-"

"You don't get to call me that, I get we were never really friends but fuck man, I adored you, you were my mentor, I looked up to you, you could've at least said 'Good job.' or 'I'm proud of you.' but no, the first thing you do is come to me with a fucking case." 

"Dominick-"

"Fuck, I had feelings for you! I was in love with you, someone I barely got to see like twice a week, as pathetic as it sounds, and it broke my fucking heart when you just left like that, did you even care about any of us? About me? Did you know how I felt when I went to your office that day to see it was empty and I had to hear it from Carmen that you packed up and left?" Sonny finished shakily and just got up, leaving to the kitchen, he was glad Rafael didn't follow him there, he couldn't believe he just confessed he used to be in love with him just like that.

Maybe one of the reasons why he felt so awful was that he realized he was still in love with Barba. Two and a half years with no communication, yet it still made Sonny's heart ache whenever he smiled at him.

Sonny washed the glass he was using earlier, he hated it when dishes piled up on the sink, he was halfway on drying it with a paper towel when he heard slow footsteps approaching him, but he refused to turn around, he just continued to wipe the glass.

"I'm so sorry, Sonny." Rafael said but Sonny still refused to turn around, he felt embarrassed, ashamed, how was he going to look at the other man in the eye ever again?

"Look, I left without an explanation because I was scared. I was scared that you guys hated me for what I had done, the day that baby died it also took a part of me with it. I know I should have at least reached out to you, to all of you, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It took me like eight months to finally return Liv's calls. I know all of this is not an excuse for what I had done but I hope at least it an explanation." Barba said and Sonny finally threw away the paper and put the glass down, still standing there with his back turned.

"I wanted to reach out to you, I was more than just happy for you when Liv told me you finally started working for the DA's office, I wanted to come congratulate you myself but I was scared, I was scared that you hated me for what I had done. I'm sorry that I showed up out of nowhere. Liv wanted me to talk you out of the case before court, I wasn't even going to defend Davis until I was in your office thinking about it. I actually came in there to say that I was proud of you." Rafael said and stopped for a second and cleared his throat before continuing. "And that I miss you. And that I love you." 

That surely made Sonny stop dead in his tracks and turn around to face the shorter man, Barba was no longer standing on the doorway of the kitchen, he was just couple of steps away from him. 

"I wasn't sure if you felt the same way, I knew you used to adore me back then, it was kind of obvious but I thought nothing about it to avoid giving myself hope, I don't know if you still love me but just know that in the past two and a half years I haven't stopped thinking about you. I just hope that you don't hate me for what I had done, or not reaching out to you sooner." Rafael finished and to say Sonny was lost at words would be underestimating. He was scared, he was so scared that this was one of those many dreams he had constantly where Rafael would just come back, telling him he was sorry for leaving, and that he loved him, this was all too good to be true.

Sonny hesitantly took a couple of steps towards him, closing the space between them, and pulled him in a kiss. Rafael didn't nudge at first, but as soon as he proceeded what was happening he immediately kissed him back, bringing a hand to his neck, it felt different than what Sonny imagined, he imagined Barba would be rougher, more demanding, but he was so gentle and patient. Sonny pulled away and looked at the sea green eyes he never thought he'd see again. 

"I could never hate you. Yeah, I was angry at you for a little while but then I saw your point, and I'm sorry, maybe instead of blaming you for not reaching out, I should've reached out to you."

"No, don't apologize. I get it. If it was anyone's fault it was mine."

"Rafael-"

"Sonny." He demanded and Sonny just shook his head and looked at him, feeling kind of glad to not have to hide the fondness anymore.

• • •

Sonny checked his wrist watch to see it was nearly four in the morning, after their little talk in the kitchen they decided to watch a movie to unwind, but Rafael of course fell asleep halfway through it. Sonny was being careful not to wake him up but it was kind of hard to move around with a head on his shoulder, he just wanted to reach for the blanket because damn it was cold outside. When he realized he wasn't going to be able to do it without waking Barba up, he just gave up.

He didn't know what they were going to do now. Was this it? Was Barba going to go back to Florida and they'd never talk again? Or were they going to have a long distance relationship before one of them called it quits, or were they going to pull a Brokeback Mountain and have sex once a month and never speak to each other besides that? He was overthinking, but how could he not? He finally had the guy he loved, only to lose him again. He didn't want to lose Rafael again.

He sighed softly as he gently pressed his chin on Barba's head, just to be closer then they even were. He noticed Barba had more grey hairs now, but so did he. It's been way too fucking long.

"Are you gonna keep sighing on my hair or are you gonna sleep?" Rafael asked sarcastically with a yawn as he slowly stood up straight and looked at him in the eye, Sonny couldn't help but give him a quick peck on the lips. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing." Sonny said but Rafael glared at him. 

"Come on."

"Fine. I was just thinking about us."

"What about us?" 

"What's gonna happen now? Are we just gonna pretend like tonight never happened and never speak again? Or are we gonna have a long distance relationship? Or are we-"

"Sonny, calm down, you don't need to worry about all that."

"How- - Why would I not worry about that? I just- - I finally have you and sorry if this comes off as clingy or whatever but I'm ready to lose you again."

"You're not going to lose me."

"You don't know that. A lot of long distance relationships fail for many reasons like-"

"You're not going to lose me because I'm moving back here."

"What?" Sonny said, his voice barely above a whisper, if this was a prank he'd just literally get up, grab his keys and walk out on Barba at four a.m.

"I never sold my old space, I rented it to some people but they moved out some months ago and it's still available, I was actually telling Liv about it earlier, that's why I came in your office in the first the place, to tell you I was moving back."

"Rafael Barba, if you're kidding me I swear on my Nanna's stone I'll get off this couch and grab my car keys-"

"I'm not, I swear. Come on, you're so used to bad news that you forgot how to react to good ones." 

"You're right, sorry, I mean this all feels surreal and- - I thought I was going to lose you, I just- Now we finally have a chance to make this work." Sonny said and looked over at Barba, who nodded at him with a grin on his face and leaned in to kiss him, deeper this time, Sonny immediately kissed back and after they pulled away from the kiss he pulled Rafael into a hug even though he was already literally cuddled up on him. 

"Just out of curiosity, when you said you liked me- - I mean, since when?" Sonny asked and Rafael looked like he was thinking about it.

"I guess since the year we met, why, why does it matter?"

"I'm just trying to see if it was the mustache, I was thinking of growing it back actually-"

"Don't. Please don't." Rafael said immediately and Sonny let out a laugh and resting his hand on Rafael's waist when he was done.

"I'm glad you came by the office tonight." Sonny said and Rafael pulled him into a quick kiss before leaning back and looking at him.

"Me too."


End file.
